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HOMAGE TO THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF

November 6, 2013

I’m out here cooking in a field;

I wonder what my skills will yield.

I’ll bet my cakes will really shine,

I’ve got some cake mix – I’ll be fine!

I can’t go wrong, I know the score:

“Don’t drop your gateaux on the floor,

Avoid the famous soggy bottom.”

I’ll take good care my pies ain’t got ‘em.

The signature bake is first in line,

Which one is best? I hope it’s mine!

I’ve topped a Hobnob with a cherry –

Will that astonish Mary Berry?

The Technical is soon to follow,

I must be brave, not stop to wallow.

OK, I’ll try this poncey pud

If that will please Paul Hollywood.

Oh my! It’s looking rather solid

I think it’s gonna taste quite horrid.

I just forgot to add the sugar,

(Oh knickers, panties, bum and bugger!)

There’s just a chance that I can crack it

By covering up that nasty black bit

With yellow custard from a tin.

(Oh damn! It’s fit just for the bin.)

Here comes Sue P. with sidekick Mel,

I hope they miss that burning smell.

They look a little sympathetic

Towards my bake, but haven’t eat it.

I can’t think why, that’s rather rude

To shun the chance to try my pud.

The time is nigh for my Showstopper,

A tour de force – ‘twill be a whopper.

A human effigy’s required –

(Oh help! I’m feeling rather tired!)

A spongy statue’s what I’m giving

Of Katie Price (hope she’s forgiving!)

I pray her boobies will not break off –

If so, I’ll never win the Bake Off.

They’re judging baker of the week,

But it’s not me – what bloody cheek!

Our Mildred’s won it for her flavours

(I bet she offered Paul her favours!)

But now it’s time to end this pome –

They’ve ordered me to go straight home.

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